Thursday, January 31, 2008

Wading into the shallow after the deep

First a few photos. Top is the unfinished cover of my travel journal for London that I am working on. I'm basically getting the book ready for our trip (3 weeks-we leave the 23rd of February and tomorrow is February. So excited) s0 I can keep a travel journal while we are there. I did one in Ireland and I was happy with the results. Its also great for looking back when you go to journal all the photos from the trip. Its got great info, the big things, the little things, the items and moments that make up a day to day adventure. Its great to look back and remeber those little details like flooding the bathroom when the shower curtain isn't tight or the maid walking in on you because you forgot to hang the do not disturb sign. Maybe not the deepest moments in life, but certainly part of life.
Second photo is some flowers I am crocheting. I taught myself to crochet a few weeks back and I have been making some flowers to link together into a scarf. I'm getting there making enough flowers...only I'm a bit slower since my fingers swell up with hives at night. Can't crochet very well then
You know, I've come to the conclusion that there are days when being myself is really good. When I like feeling unique and different-like I don't quite belong but I belong enough and belonging enough is excellent. That it gives you a positive edge in life. That I have a valuable part to play. That I'm not just this mothering-care giving person. That I don't let my insecurities and poor self image get in the way.
And there are days when I feel like the major outcast, that I don't fit in any place, and I hate that. Days I don't like how I see myself- true or not true, my distorted self image pulls me down. Its me being too hard on myself. You'd think at that point in my life I would know how to avoid those feelings and get around them. Detour them. But, as it is, not possible. I still have those days when I need to deal with those left out feelings-those over sensitive moments, and don't do a very good job handling them. Like last Sunday when my hives were horrible. But today, I feel good. A bit hivey tonight, but I'm working on it. Hot tubbing or showering later in the day to get rid of histamine loaded sweat. These flax seeds I was told about seem to be helping. I being cautiously optimistic because I know any moment I could got back into itchy, splotchy red miserable hives. Chronic hives- one of the challenges in life that make me unique and sometimes feeling like an oddball because lets face it, people besides me have chronic hives but they're not that common. I know I am very blessed, and we all have to deal with things because life isn't about everything being easy or perfect...but somedays, its just so much harder to deal with that. Sometimes I feel like everyone gets what they work for but me. Somedays I just see what's missing. I need reminding what I do have somedays.
Rambling words. Rambling on. Rambling, rambling, rambling as thoughts pass through my brain.

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