Friday, January 18, 2008

What's in a name?

OK, so I made a comment to a couple of friends today about how my name isn't really who I am. My name is Erika. I said in my mind Erika is someone sophisticated, worldly- hardly me. But no, they say that is me. And I think they're joking. They weren't. I'm not sophicated, I wear jeans and sweaters and clogs, I'm overweight (my depression today-big time), I'm middle-aged. Just blah. I live in a small NH town in the woods. I'm more comfortable with 16 years old than a lot of adults. I'm even more comfortable with dogs and cats. Mentally, I'm good. I am smart. I have some talents. I suck at handling money. I like to be alone at times and I withdraw from people I know at times. I would have been great in the 1950's but I'm not great at the 2008's- sort of. I would have been a horrible wife in the 1950's who wouldn't let her husband be first. I am into being a partner-equally for the most part because I'm stubborn and hard headed. I am not old fashioned. My mother was very critical of me growing up and I'm now SOOOOO critical of myself. But, I am not sophicated in my mind. I've been places but I don't think I'm worldly. Can you tell I love myself but don't really have a great self-view at the same time? I see myself as this dumpy, frumpy, odd duck. I feel that way too. I never feel much like I fit in except with dave and Katie. Never felt like I fit in with my family growing up. Still don't. And then to have friends say they see you as worldly and sophisticated.
How does the world see me versus how I see myself?
Maybe I've got some view blinders. Maybe some view issues. I do wear glasses, but maybe they need a new prescription. Maybe I need to like myself more.
You think?
I'm still really depressed about my weight at the drs yesterday. I hate how its impossible for me to lose anything.
Ok, that's my thought or two.
Still shaking my head.

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